Yesterday, after spending a wonderful morning with my son Josh on the patio having coffee, my mind started to attack me. The false belief that plagued Bill W. had plagued me in the past, and it came back. “My talent for leadership, I imagined, would place me at the head of vast enterprises which I would manage with the utmost assurance. I'd prove to the world I was important.” I thought back early in sobriety talking with my sponsor, showing him my Little League award and my name in the newspaper. I was on the honor roll & our baseball team was named the “Midget Champs.” I still had the patch from when I was 9 years old!
Next, I showed him my Salesman of the Year award from Pierre Cardin before I hit bottom in 1983. He laughed and simply said, “Self-reliance was as good as it got us, then it failed miserably. Looks like that’s what happened to you. Recovery has given us Love, and a Higher Power. Pick up this new kit of tools; they deliver us into new life.”
On that note, I got a call from my buddy Jim E, and we met at AJ’s. When I told him my story of woe, shame & guilt, driven by doubt & fear, he leaned in and said something I’d never heard before. “Steve, sounds to me that you are caught in the wake!”
Why, yes, dammit, I had fallen off the back of the ship of Faith, into the raging waters.
Thanks for handing me the life preserver. Love has come to town, a far better substitute to living than the double Gin & Tonic and white powder that led to the Motel 6!