Reading the Chapter How It Works, I got to p. 62. “Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt.” I thought for a moment; these are the reasons I drink. I have a ton of fear; I have the delusion I’m supposed to be perfect, not make a mistake; I want what I want when I want it; and I go into a depression when things don’t work out my way. What’s wrong with me? I didn’t have these when I drank or used. Now, I’m trapped by these thoughts and feelings. I don’t want to go back to drinking or using, but how can I escape? I got up and drove to a meeting. A guy from the South side of Chicago named Terry the Hat shared, ‘God took the monkey off my back, but the circus is still in town!” No shit! My mind is a circus!
I called my sponsor, who suggested I write down all of these issues and why I had them. Then, I drove over to Stan Grant's house to share. He handed me a box of Kleenex and said ‘we all got issues, here are the tissues!’ I laughed and cried, and left knowing I’m just another bozo on the short bus in recovery. It's a whole new trip, one thought, one feeling, one action, one day at a time
Thank you God for the fellowship and for the tools to let go; to continue each day to be a new and better version of myself.
Help me never lose my Faith in You.