Reading today’s meditations, thinking back to first entering recovery. I had completely burnt my life to the ground, A prisoner and victim of life, the thoughts, “Why me; how did I let this happen?” and more pressing, “Just how can I change; how can I climb out of this darkness?” were loud, nonstop messages in my head. I didn’t want to drink or use, but felt trapped.
You told me to keep coming back, to call my sponsor when I felt weird, to read the literature and to work the 12 Steps. I was beaten and didn’t have any better idea of what to do. So, I did what you told me. One of my buddies, Joe C., says “It’s not by virtue we got here!” That’s not an understatement.
Meeting up with my brother's friend Judy yesterday at my house, we walked into my garage full of photos and posters commemorating the Leitz Family lives over 100 years. Countless miracles appeared in front of us in color. Birthdays, anniversaries, holidays and travels were proof that, whoever God is, He has not, and is not, punishing me. We laughed and shed some tears about the life my brother had lived in his 73 years on this Earth. We then went upstairs to look through some photo albums; the events and memories came back, bursting through the grief with Love. It’s all gone by in such a flash, especially my 43 years clean and sober. Thank you for continuing to show me how to embrace all of the goodness, and to let go of all of the rest.
On the 6pm Men’s Zoom mtg, Dave from Greer presented Step 7. He shared his journey and adventure over the last few decades. The word “humility” is used over 50 times in the 12 Step and 12 Traditions. All of the men on the meeting shared some humor and their struggles with ego to grasp this simple word. Walter, 91 years old, shared that this was his favorite step; that humility simply meant gratitude. So simple, not easy; especially true for an alcoholic! We read in the book about a simple request & demands. Oftentimes, it's so hard to tell the difference until it’s too late, somehow, left shrouded in resentment.
After the meeting, I continued speaking with Brent from Thailand. A street vendor had stopped by his house selling chicken feet. What?? Yes, some people consider it a delicacy. I told him that I will stick with Chicken Cordon Bleu, or a NY Steak, medium rare, with au poivre sauce. But, please, no wine or cocktails! Still, just a bit entitled.
I thought about being a Rider on the Storm. I know that I still have a long way to go but I am very grateful not to be stuck in the dark, shaking, worrying about the day ahead. Thank you for tools to let go; for a purpose greater than my demands, wishes & self-pity.